butter.bread.boulangerie: It's a Whole New Game Now...

Yesterday began our new adventure in level 2. The kitchen is smaller (but colder), and the chef is a much appreciated change. Everything has changed, no longer are we told exactly what to do. We have to work as a 21-person team to make sure everything goes smoothly. We are entrusted to do what is needed. We're even given more creative license. We start off with more breads (which is great for me!). The chef has been working there for over a decade, soft spoken and although slightly intimidating, extremely nice. The room has a less judgmental vibe, instead of feeling like slightly incompetent students we more feel like trusted colleagues. While making bagels Chef Chris asked us to hold a few back for tomorrow's breakfast. He sent out to have salmon brought up from the restaurant so that we can have it with our bagels while we have our morning meeting/lecture. Not so bad.

Though, with our new freedom comes much more pressure. While yesterday went fine today was another story. I have up until this point been easily able to keep up, and while I've on occasion had off moments, or didn't enjoy the product we were making I never fought to keep up. This morning we were given a huge list of things that needed to get done. With no time to spare we began a hectic attempt to keep up. We have to stop at a moments notice to view demos on new things, which means even if you're in the middle of something, you drop it, and watch. Normally, this is fine. But today when mixing a dough right when I poured water into the kitchen aid he asked us to come to the chefs station. After the demo, I went back to my dough, which of course was ruined-if you don't mix immediately the water will clump the flour, and it's impossible to work with. I had to start over. I was so mad at myself, I should have known better! I should have at least mixed it for a few seconds and risked getting in trouble for not stopping. But, in a rush, I didn't think. I spent the next two hours in a panic. No matter how fast I worked I couldn't catch up. Combine this with a general lack of sleep and stress over other things (such as moving), I hit a wall. While doing dishes that wouldn't clean, I just started crying! I felt so ridiculous! Other people had this much trouble everyday. But for some reason everything just came at once and I broke down. I was mad at myself for getting into the situation in the first place, and beyond frustrated trying to fix it. I'm such a perfectionist, and am extremely hard on myself, it is not my best quality. I felt hot, light-headed, and couldn't do much more than attempt to breathe and not faint. A good friend came over, seeing my distress and told me to go outside for a minute. I did. My partner, Anne was sweet and said not to worry, she would handle it for ten minutes. So Michelle and I walked around the block, and I calmed down. At least, the people in my class are for the most part extremely compassionate people who genuinely care about you. I'm beyond thankful for these people. Even my chef pulled me aside and told me not to be so hard on myself, level 2 is meant to push you to your absolute limits. In fact, most classes can't finish the day (we did, thankfully). I did my best to stay calm and managed to catch up by working through lunch, and even managed to finish early. I know I have to accept that I will make mistakes, and thats fine. After all, this is school. If we were already capable, we wouldn't be here. Today was the hardest I've ever had. But in the end, it turned out to be one of the best in terms of learning. It was the first time I was really pushed, and I know I can still do it. But more, I still want to. Even through all of it, I never was mad at the Chef, never hated baking, and only ended up wanting to get better. I do truly love what I'm doing, and it was a great reminder of why I'm doing this in the first place, and now I can't wait to keep learning and improving. But wow. That was intense.

At the end of the day, we ended up with several great products and doughs set up for tomorrow.